Bittersweet.

The one time previous to this that I atttempted to have a blog, I failed. I had a lot of energy behind it at first, enjoyed making posts, and then slowly but surely life got in the way of writing about life and the posts became inconsistent at best, then nonexistent, until I just gave up and deleted the whole thing. While that seems to have been the case so far with this one as well, in the spirit of New Years resolutions, I'm going to give this one another shot.

While I've known that transferring and moving is something I've wanted to do, there have more recently become some firm timelines attached to said move. Without the timelines attached, I guess it was easier to see this big move as still just a dream, something not quite within my reach, not really sure if I was actually going to get there. It made it more of an exciting, adventurous thing to look forward to. Now, there is a timeline of March 1st. That's when I'll be starting my first day at my new store, which means I'll be leaving California sometime in the last week or so of February. Now, it's decision time: to drive across the country, or to ship my car? That is the question. Appeal of driving across the country: I'd be driving across the country, how cool is that? The ultimate road trip- when else will I have the perfect opportunity? Appeal of shipping my car: saves on gas and mileage, and gives me more time in DC to get settled.

While there are things that I'm definitely still excited about, I'm getting stuck lately in thinking of all the things that make me sad. Being sick and tired for the last oh, month, definitely hasn't helped. But I start crying practically every time I think of leaving my friends and family. I start this whirlwhind, slippery slope thought process that starts out with just thinking about how sad I am, and ends up with me thinking of all the reasons I shouldn't move. I've moved out/away before, but "away" was an hour and a half away when I went to school; nothing at all like moving 3,000 miles/a 6 hour plane ride across an entire country.

I've craved total independence for so long, it feels like. Wanted my own place again, wanted my freedom and independence to just be on my own and see how I do. I want to play my music at midnight or 5am when I'm up for work and need to kick start the morning, walk around in my underwear, cook dinner at 11pm and not worry about making noise. Stupid little stuff that I enjoy about living on my own. And now, now that it's all at my finger tips, I'm freaking out. I'm getting what I asked for, what I wanted, so why does it seem so scary?

I know that I'll be fine. I know that this will still be an adventure, and sometimes I'll love it and I'm sure sometimes (when it's about 10 degrees and snowing and I'm freezing and have to go outside to go to work) I'll hate it. Hopefully I love it more than I hate it. But I have a feeling that for the next 7 or 8 weeks, I'll continue to freak out as I think about all the people and things and places I love that I'm leaving behind. It's what I do. But in time, I'll chill out and find my inner calm again. In the meantime though, sometimes I just need to hear someone else say that I'll be okay, and that I'm not making a mistake.